


Let Me Face My Fears

by SaltSub



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Character Death, Character Study, Gen, Identity Issues, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-07 00:34:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18862138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltSub/pseuds/SaltSub
Summary: If you lose half of yourself, what does that make you?Many years have passed since Steven went to homeworld for the first time. Time makes everything come to an end.





	1. You Were One of Those Clasic Ones

' I learned a lot from watching myself die.' I thought that'd be a onetime thing, but I suppose not. It was interesting, watching myself die… again. I suppose it began with the cool kids and Sadie. When they got older and less able to do things, so did I. The age, the back pain, the feeling of reminiscing came in full force. It didn't feel gradual when it happened. It came all at once. I saw kids being born in Beach city, then turn to teenagers, then to young adults. By the time they became adults, there was whiteness to my hair that I couldn't shake off. That form stuck to me as my reminiscing did. The final straw, I suppose, was Connie dying. She had and always would be my closest friends.

She was buried on a Sunday. It was a lovely funeral. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl came. Peridot was too emotional for funerals, it seems, and Lapis stayed with her to console. I think it might've been too close to home.

Connie had her family around her when she passed. Connie learned from her mother's mistakes and then some. She was an amazing parent. Even her prodigal son showed up, a weepy mess to ask me if his mother hated him before death. I told him the truth.

"Every time you love yourself, that's her loving you too. She always hoped to see you again. She'd never turn you away because she loved you." He cried on my shoulder for 10 minutes before he could compose himself. He thanked me, but I didn't feel it was necessary. I didn't believe those things about him. I just told him how his mother felt. It was the last I could do for a friend.

Connie was buried next to her parents. It was a way for her to always be close to them, I suppose. It mattered a lot to her when she told me about her plans to buy the three-person plot. I couldn't relate. Dad wanted to be cremated and kept in mum's special place between Lion and Lars. Maybe if he was buried, I would feel the same as Connie did.

Connie, before death, got a Mohawk. She felt it was coming, I suppose. She never got around to getting a Mohawk for fear that if she got one it'd look silly or off on her face shape but by the time she’d realized that time has slipped her by, it’d be ages before she could grow her hair back. I'd tell her: "you'll look amazing doing anything with her hair." She'd laugh and tell me "You're not helping my dilemma. But… thank you." I was right. It did suit her. She worked a suit and tie to her death. I think she said she wanted to have a top hat as well, but I don't think that accessory would match with the fuchsia suit she wore.

Lars and Lion were a good support. While Lion was still… well, Lion. Lars would be able to talk to me about each loss. He would talk about Sadie. I would talk about Connie. Even though he couldn't look it, there was a feeling of agedness to him. It felt as though he had seen too much but knew that he'd be stuck here to see more past that. Maybe he had seen too much. Maybe humans in our situations simply see too much and go through too much with the infinite life expectancy we have.

The gems noticed my changes. They noticed the white hair. The slowing gait. The curving of my spine. They noticed my pained groans. Wheezy breath. Squinting eyes. I wanted to stay young, but we can't always control everything.

I lived many years after Connie. Beach City was so different from what it was. The boardwalk is active on one side and barren on the other side. Onion made an amusement park for troubled youth that Sour Cream's kids run now. Lars owns the donut shop and gets other people's kids to work in it for him. Sadie didn't want kids and Lars didn't either until Sadie passed.

"It sucks, I know, but you're lucky. Connie had kids." Lars states, lighting a cigarette. They don't do anything for him really. I suppose it just became a habit. Like how Lion and he still eat. It's not a need as much as it's a want for normalcy. “Like there’s still something of her walking around, alive, that you can talk to.”

It was interesting how much The Diamonds stayed the same and changed at once. White diamond was particularly disturbed by my aging process. She never said it, but I could see the grimace she'd have on her face when we spoke. I don't think she noticed. I never told her, because I prefer this flaw in her veneer of perfection over before.

Yellow diamond took it in stride. She acted like it was normal, though she did hold her mouth in a tighter position. It sort of reminded me of Jasper. Hide the pain and maybe you won't feel it. She also had a penchant for simply not looking at me. It used to be a show of how my immaturity would annoy her, but now I see it as a way to escape the reality of what is happening to me.

Blue would mother. She'd coddle me and try to make any long-winded arguments have breaks in between for my health. If I went to visit her alone, she'd lavish me with trips through her pretty court, dance shows, plays and anything that I could possibly do to relax. Whenever I left, I could see a Small tear fall down her face. Maybe she feared each day with me, would be the last. During our little talks, we had our ups and down, but they tended to end amicably.

We had to work hard for our gem's safety, as well as, for their autonomy. It was 30 years before the same gems could fuse without purpose and almost a hundred years before different gems could fuse on Homeworld, but when they became legal it was an extravaganza of excitement and happiness. The ball that day was lovely. Everyone was happy. White was acclimating. Yellow was analyzing. Blue was making sure I was enjoying myself. It all just felt right.

Then… I felt it.

When Connie told me that she felt death coming I thought she was just imagining it. Imaging this feeling. This certainty. When I felt it… I had to meditate for a long time before I could decide what to do with it. I went out of my way to visit everyone I cared about. I visited the diamonds, the crystal gems and earth gems, Lars. I visited graves: Connie, Sadie, Buck, Kiki, Sour Cream Onion… there were so many graves to visit. Dad was the last grave.

Each day, it took longer and longer for me… us… to figure out how to find a middle ground over dying soon. It was interesting how this was the one thing that could cause an internal conflict between us. Never enough to unfuse, but enough to cause turmoil.

When I visited Lars, it was like he knew. He let me into the house he had shared with Sadie so long ago and gave me some coffee and donuts from the big donut. We sat at the table eating in tense silence for a while.

"So that's it. You're just gonna leave me too?" He questioned blandly.

"Lars, I wish I could stay, but-" I began

"But what? You can't think of turning yourself pink? You can't live knowing that everyone you knew, except for me, is dead? You can't keep living like this?" Lars yells, years starting to come down his face. "Because tough shit! I have to keep going! I can't just let myself die to be rid of all those problems! It doesn't work!!!"

A pregnant pause. It's like Lars had come back to himself. It's like he realized what he's said. What he'd admitted to.

"I'm sorry, Lars." I wrap my arms around him. "I can't be with you until the end. I… I'm still human. And my body is saying it's time. I can't just… ignore it or turn myself pink because this would be where I'd stay forever. Forever feeling like it's time for me to die. Frail. Weak. Besides, I can't go pink unless I… watch myself die and heal myself. And honestly, I don't think I deserve to live with that in my head forever. I wish I could stay with you and I'm sorry this is so hard for you, but I want you to know that you were always a dear friend to me and always will be."

Lars sobbed onto my shoulder, holding me close and quietly begging me not to leave him. Telling me that I'm all he had left.

"You still have the Off Colors and Lion and the crystal gems. I'm sure they'd be happy to hang out with you, talk to you, comfort you. I know I'm the only human I have left, but you have other people who care about you." I replied softly.

-

The diamonds were quite outraged by the new development. "What do you mean you're dying, Steven?" Yellow questions in that "I don't believe this" tone.

"I mean exactly that. I'm dying. I feel it coming. I just want you to know this and maybe spend the day with me."

"This is preposterous. How could you say something so selfish-"

"Yellow!" Blue tried to interrupt.

"No!" Yellow bellowed back. "We've already lost you once to a fake death! How dare you die while playing human! How can you do this to us? Did you ever think of how we feel?! I-"

"This isn't Steven's choice." White states, that same grimace on her face. "This is simply what his life is. He's half gem and half human. A part of being human is dying. You can't tell me you haven't noticed how long he's stretched this out. He's over 150 years old. That's not a normal age. Normal humans don't live that long. They die before then. He's been trying to stay for us… he's been trying so hard, but it's time for him to sleep. To pass. This is his fate and there's no running from your fate. Even for diamonds."

Yellow yelled in anger, hitting a pillar, before crying onto blue's shoulder.

"I'm sorry." I say.

"You should never apologize for what you are, starlight. You've taught us that so you can't forget it in your old age." White states, warmly. "Come, one last ball. To celebrate our last day with Steven. No more crying, no more anger, only this moment. This last bit of happiness and togetherness."

It was a lovely ceremony. The diamonds didn't tell the other gems what it truly was for. I don't they would have danced so happily if they knew it was my last time being there for it. At the end of the ceremony, each of them hugged me and kissed me, before I left.

-

Before I spoke to the other gems, I spoke to Jasper. I feel like the crystal gems, or at least Garnet, knew what was happening but I needed to talk to Jasper so she wouldn't blame herself again.

Amethyst told me where she was and I met her at the, now vacant, human zoo with the skinny Jasper and the other Amethysts.

I asked her through the comms system there if I could speak to her at her kindergarten. She met me there a few days later. As soon as we set foot in the kindergarten, I turned to her and told her the truth.

There was a silence before she started speaking. "I knew that something was up when you started changing color and everything. I went to the human zoo to ask the others what they do to human that start to look like you. They told me they just let them pass as comfortable as possible. I was livid at first. Then I was sad. I felt like you'd lied to me again. Like you'd just lie about being ok and then one day, you'd just disappear and leave me without even saying goodbye. I felt like a failure after that. Like, yet again I couldn't protect my diamond. Like I couldn't save you from this because I'm a failure. If I had done better, been better, none of this would happen. Then the others caught me moping and told me that it's just what humans do and that it's normal and no one's fault and all and-"

I think she realized she was rambling, so she just stopped, took a deep breath and said, "I'm going to be ok. No. We'll be ok. You don't need to worry about me or Earth or Homeworld or the crystal gems. We'll be fine. It's ok for you to die. You've been dragging this out so long. You deserve to pass on without worrying about what we'll do without you. We'll miss you, sure. I don't even know what I'll do without you, again... But we'll be ok. I'll be ok. Ok?"

It was like Jasper had already had her time to mourn. And the fact that she did made me feel less worried about her. We spent our day together talking about her new friends at the human zoo and about her memories of the other gems of her kindergarten. It was nice. Taking to her, after all these years has become a nice thing to enjoy. I'll miss it.

\--

I told the other gems I would like to speak to everyone at the temple, so everyone came over. Before that, I told the crystal gems. They took it in stride. Apparently, Amethyst sent Jasper to the human zoo particularly to help her get through her mourning. "I felt it was coming since you started looking like Greg did before he left," Peridot stated. "And I just.. Sort of accidentally told Lapis so she realized."

"She cried on my shoulder that you were dying, freaking me out so I had to fly here to see you, hoping it wasn't true." Lapis explained. "But everything she said you had… you do. So… I just had to go through my mourning with Peridot."

"We're all gonna miss you and junk, but it's not like it's your fault. You're human. Part of being human is dying." Amethyst states. Bismuth nods along, with an unreadable look on her face.

Pearl moves close to me to put her hands on my shoulders. When I was a child, my shoulders would be below hers and she'd lower her arms to put her hands on my shoulder. When I became an adult, they were above hers, so she'd have to raise her arms to touch my shoulders. Once a man, twice a child. I was slightly less tall than her now. I notice. I wonder if she does.

"Amethyst is right, Steven. We'll be perfectly…" There's a wobble in her voice, a tremble in her lip before finally she's sobbing, "Oh Steven. I'm going to miss you so much. I wish we could fix this, but we- but we can't."

I knew this would be harder for Pearl. She was like Jasper, in a way. She always wanted to protect Mom, and then me. To find out there's nothing she can do to protect me from this must have been hard for her. It must be hard for Garnet too because she has that grimace. The same grimace White Diamond had. I'm glad, they'd at least have each other.

"I know you feel like it's your fault, but it's ok. I've lived a good long life and I had an amazing family in all of you. I'll miss you all, but it's not your fault. It's just life." I state.

There's a big group hug. I'm glad we talked about this. Were open about this. There's a knock on the door from Jasper. She has an awkward look on her face "Hey. It looks like everyone's here." She informs us. 

"Thanks, Jasper," I reply. She nods, before leaving. It was time to tell everyone.

Everyone seemed to be in mourning after hearing the truth. All of them, at this point, had an inkling of sorts since they'd been on earth long enough to see something or someone die of old age. After the announcement, everyone left with their friends to mourn or figure out what to do now. When everyone left, I went to bed. To meet the last person I needed to say bye to.

\--

I was in the field between Lars and Lion. I say under Lion's tree and began my tirade. I was alone, but never really. I had never been alone.

"I don't need to die. I'm just running away, just like mom." I jab.

"No I'm not, and no, she didn't. This is what's supposed to happen." I reply to myself.

"No it's not!" I yelled back. "This isn't normal. We're not normal. Why should we follow human or gem rules?"

A pause. "But I haven't. The average human lives to be maybe 78. The average gem lives forever until they're shattered. I'm neither 78 nor shattering. I'm just dying." I stated

"It's not just dying. We're losing each other. We already lost Connie, now we're losing each other and we're never going to come back together again." I sniffled, tears streaming down my face. "We could've changed this. We could've stayed for everyone. We could've been there for them. We could've saved Connie, damn it!"

I was now alone in my body, but not truly alone. Never truly alone. It was the closest I've ever felt to that time when White removed my gem. I want myself back, but I know we're too opposing in thought to be able to talk about how we were talking. I… We… He still looks young… like we…I did as a young adult. I suppose he doesn't feel old like I do.

"Steven, we can't stay together for everyone. We couldn’t save Connie because that's not what she'd have wanted. We've seen what it does to Lion and to Lars. They're lonely. Everything they make, everyone they love, they watch disappear. They watch it shatter. Break. Fade to nothing. Connie never wanted that. And you don't either." One part of me replied. "You can stay for everyone but that's not what you want."

"I could stay for you. Don't you want me to stay? Don't you like being who we are, together?" The other part of me questioned. Tears streaming down my face. "Won't you miss it? Miss us?"

"Being us, being Steven was and will always be the happiest time of my life. I'll never be as happy without you... But it's time. We were so amazing, but you don't want to be here anymore, and I want you to be happy without me more than I want you to be unhappy with me."

"No. I'm not unhappy with you. I always love being here, being with you. Being you. I just-" I grabbed a hold on my pink self. Like I held onto an anchor. Like I held onto all I had left. Like I held onto Connie before.

"You're tired. You've dragged this on for 50 years longer than it needed to last." He states, caressing my check. It's been so long since I've felt his touch. Since I've seen him. "But it's time. You've been so amazing for me, but it's time for you to go and meet Mom and Dad on the other side."

"I'm sorry." I reply. I grab his hand and squeeze it in comfort. In apology. To feel him for the last time.

"No. It's our fate. Don't ever apologize for dying. It's not, and will never be your fault." He rebuffs.

A silence, contentment, before fear engulfs my soul and I feel like I'm drifting away from this. Away from us. Away from who we are. My grip on him become like a vice.

"I'm afraid. I'm not ready yet. There's so much I haven't done. I never found out what was in mom's chest. I never sold dad's garage. I never helped Pearl organize mom's swords into her collection. I- I-."

"If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs." He replied he looked at me with a calm face. He spoke with a calm voice. It was like he wasn't seeing me leave. Die. "I know it's scary, but it's time to let go. Be free. Let us mourn you in death instead of in life. We won't forget you. I'll never forget you. I'll always love you and always loved being Steven Universe with you. But it's time."

The pull became stronger. I wanted to grab tighter for him again, but I knew he was right. It was time. I had to go. I'd felt it. He'd felt it. We felt it. I had to accept it. He wasn't mad at me. He wasn't apathetic either. He was sad but accepting. It wasn't something he showed in his expression. It was something he showed in his eyes

I let go and so did he. It was… for the best.


	2. It feel like my life ain't mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the ending

I unfused from myself. It has been over a hundred years since we last unfused… by force. I-. The human part of me was passing on. There was nothing and no one left for me there. I held his hand and pressed my head to his chest to listen to what we had together end… for good.

Thump thump. No more eating out of necessity. Thump. Thump. No more human thinking. Thump. No more worrying about leaving myself behind. Thump. No more strong facade. Pause thump. No more whirlwind of emotions. Pause. Thump. No more feeling like we're dying and dragging it out. Pause. Pause thump. No more thinking about others over ourselves. Pause. Pause. Thump. No more Steven Universe. Pause. Pause. Pause thump. If I'm not me, who am I? Who will I be? Pause. Pause. Pause. Thump. No. I'm not ready for this. Without you, who am I? What am I? I'm not a Steven. I'm not a Diamond. I'm not a rose quartz. Who am I, if I'm not you? Pause. Pause. Pause. Pause. Wait no. No.

Pause. Pause. Pause. No. You can't. Please. Pause. I need to talk to you one more time.

 Pause. Pause. I need to be you one more time. Pause. Pause. Without you, who am I?

Pause. Pause. Without you, what am I? Pause. Pause. Please tell me. All I have left is you.

Pause. Pause. Please don't leave me alone. I'm scared. Please come back. Please don't leave me. Please please please please please.

"Please please please please-" Garnet touched my shoulder and I came back to myelf. I realized I was pleading with him. I realized I was crying all over him. There were healing tears all over him…, but there was no light.

No pinkness.

Nothing.

"He's gone, Steven." She verified, pulling me away from him. From all I have of us.

"No. Maybe. Maybe I can-" I held onto his hand with a vice grip.

I heard Pearl softly exclaim, “Oh Steven.” "No Steven. It's over. He's gone, but we'll be ok. You'll be ok." She soothed, holding her arms open for a hug. I let go of his hand and hugged Garnet tight. Amethyst and Pearl found their places in the hug.

“You’ve still got us, Steven.” Amethyst soothed, joining in the hug

“That’ right. We’re here for you.” Pearl verified, following Amethyst in entering the hug.

"Guys. Horrible news. Human Steven is dead, and Gem Steven is in mourning." Padparadscha exclaimed.

I couldn't help myself. I laughed.

-

Human Steven wanted to be cremated and his ashes spread on the beach. It was a lovely ceremony. The saddest ones always had to be beautiful, didn’t they? Many gems came to mourn his death, including the diamonds. I left Jasper to deal with his ashes. I couldn't do it.

His ashes danced in the wind. Like a final goodbye. A final dance. Like he was alive one last time. Then he was gone. Numbness enveloped me, before I left the funeral.

-

I heard Jasper open the door to the moon base. A twinge of fear over the air lock opening entered my heart before I remembered that it doesn’t… matter. Not anymore. Jasper started by checking the first floor, probably for me.

"Steven?! My diamond??! I mean you're not her so I guess Steven would be the better name to call you?" Jasper mused to herself, as she gives up looking at the base floor. She activates and takes the stairs up. “Ugh. Diamond to Quartz to Steven to still Steven? If they still even identify as-”

"Does it ever go away?" I asked her.

"Ah!" Jasper exclaimed, surprised to find me floating near the diamonds' mural. "Steven. There you-"

"Does it ever go away?" I repeated, slowly losing altitude.

"What?" Jasper asked, as I stop floating and stand on a stair. "When does what go away?"

"The silence." I explained, blandly, "The emptiness. The loneliness. The feeling that you're not you anymore!"

I was yelling at that point and had started to put cracks on the stair we were both on. I calmed down. "The feeling that you're not yourself. The want to be back together even though you know it's wrong."

"Steven, I- Why'd they send me here alone to do this? I'm not good with emotions and they know it." Jasper mumbled to herself. "Alright. Look. That feeling doesn't go away. None of them really do. You just learn that… they're wrong, I guess? No that sounds bad. Hold on."

Jasper paused to think, looking down at the stairwell. "Ok. So. after a while you realize that those feelings are stupid and don't matter- Augh. That sounds even worse. Gimme a second." Jasper plopped down on the stair and really thought about it for a good long while. In a way I felt a little better just talking to her. Watching her try to figure out how to help me through this. Like I mattered to her. Because I mattered to her. I smiled. I moved so that I sit next to her. "Ok. They're still there and all, but you know that, after a while, that you're who you're supposed to be and that it's better how it is and whatever. You miss it and you miss being who you were, but you remember that you're doing what's best for the both of you, because you and they deserve better. Both of you deserve to be happy, you know. And your happy isn't theirs and that's ok if you do what's right and let them go. And-"

At that point, she turned to me and saw me smiling at her. "I sound like an idiot, don't I?" She stated lowly.

"Never. I'm just… happy you're trying so hard to make me understand." I replied, leaning on her.

"Well, of course I would. You're technically my diamond. And-" she paused. "And you're my family. I can't not be by your side when you need me. What kind of Jasper would I be then?"

"I'm not your diamond and I'm not Steven either." I rebuffed, softly.

"No. You're Steven. Just not human and gem Steven. Just like how you're still my diamond. No matter what you go through. Who you are. When you are. You'll always be my Steven and my diamond." Jasper said. "No matter what."

It was a comforting thing. Hearing her ramble. Her treating me the same. Like I was the same person. Like I was still Steven. I lean onto her shoulder.

"How'd you know I was here?" I questioned. I knew Jasper had never been here with us. We usually didn't come here at all, after what happened the last time.

"Uh. Well Garnet said we needed to go looking for you so she, Sis-, I mean Amethyst, and Pearl went searching through Beach City. Lapis and Peridot are scouring the farm. I was gonna try my and Amethyst's kindergartens, but, before I could leave, Garnet's new cat gave me a note saying to try the moon. Well. I mean. I think Garnet wrote it and sent me to talk to you. I guess it was me who knew best what you were going through."

"Yea. I guess you did." I replied, looking at the mural. We always had problems figuring out whether we should be our own person or like Rose Quartz. Now with human Steven gone, I wonder if I'm neither now. I stood, starting to walk down the stairs. "We should go."

“Oh.” She exclaimed. “Yes, my-”

She cut herself off from saying whatever she was going to say. As we walked down the stairs together, we stayed in somewhat awkward silence. “You use a lot of slang now. Amethyst is rubbing off on you.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I can try to fix it if it bothers you-” Jasper offered, flustered over my observation.

“No.” I rebuff. “I like you like this. It… feels like you.”

-

 

The gems welcomed me back. Amethyst complained about how Pearl dragged her all over Beach City just to find me when I obviously needed my own space. Garnet said that it was good to have me back. Pearl did what she usually did. She coddled. 'Are you ok? It's dangerous to go out without telling anyone, etc. Etc.'

"I'm fine. I'm just gonna go to my room for a bit." I replied, walking past them and Steven Universe’s room towards the temple entrance. "Sorry for worrying you.”

"But Steven your room is right over-" Pearl started

I pushed my hand to the wall of the temple and entered what I decided was my room now.

Steven didn't like to come here after what happened before with Mom and Connie. Maybe I was still Steven because I was going to make the same dumb mistake he did.

"Room. Show me Steven. Human Steven."

A sickly boy with red eyes and paleness to his skin. Just like I remembered from a hundred or so years ago. I walked up to him and hugged him. Like I did last time. Only…he just disappeared. No warm body under my hands. No comforting weight. No slight tremble of weakness. No laughter rumbling through him. Just a puff of pink clouds.

"Room. Show me Steven Universe". The room showed me us close to the end. I looked at the familiar liver spots and wrinkles. The thin hands. The bald head. I saw all of it. It felt like home. It felt like drowning. I touched us. We disappeared. No weight. No feeling of safety… love… tiredness. Just a puff of pink cloud.

“Room. Show me myself. Who I am supposed to be.”

The room didn't respond for a long time. Maybe it took so long because I was so worried for what it’d show me. Maybe it took so long because I didn’t know what I wanted it to tell me, in my heart. This room can only do what you know it can do. It works off what is inside of you and what you need to know. When we wanted to see our mother, it showed us what we needed her to say and think about us, but only because we thought that her saying that would help us. When we came in here with Connie, it gave us the Connie we thought we wanted. It works off what we- what I want and can perceive.

Finally, the room responded. It encircled me in mirrors. Up down and all around, all I could see is my pink form in the mirrors around me. It wasn't the answer I wanted, but it was the answer I got.

"Ok," I replied, and the mirrors disappeared in a puff of pink clouds. I lied down on the floor, the pink fog engulfing almost half of me. "That wasn't helpful."

But… ok.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Enjoy your little taste of death. :D


End file.
